Tuesday, March 9, 2010

April Fools Mock Draft

Sometimes everybody needs to have some fun and goof around a bit. It is pretty much impossible to do a real mock draft anymore because A too many teams are stupid and B idiots like Todd McShay influence viewers and scouts to much. This is not an original idea, I got this from http://walterfootball.com/ and thought it would be fun to do. So this is an April Fools Mock Draft that is my way of either making fun of teams stupidity or certain players. Hopefully you enjoy it and get a few laughs.

1. St. Louis Rams - EA Sports NCAA 10 and Madden 10
For the last few years the Rams keep drafting the "safe" pick because they are afraid of striking out with all of these high picks, Tye Hill, Jason Smith, Chris Long etc. so what they need is to buy a copy of both NCAA 10 and Madden 10 so they can import draft classes and play a couple of seasons with them in Madden so that they can see who develops the best. They can't mess up this way, and if my theory plays out Jahvid Best should be NFL MVP within three years. The other option here is Ezio (Assassins Creed 2) in order to take out Todd McGay so that they are no longer wrongly influenced to take the wrong player.

2. Detroit Lions - WR Dez Bryant
Even though Matt Millen is gone his legacy will continue on forever in the land of the Lions, new logo and all. The Lions have made it very clear they are happy letting Matt Stafford get hit every play so they figured they will go back to drafting top notch wide receivers so that he can just throw the ball up and hopefully they can come down with it, the Philip Rivers theory. We will see how it plays out for them in the near future but so far so good.... I think.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - ESPN Analyst Jon Gruden
Tampa Bay needs a lot of help, Jon Gruden won them a super bowl and they realized their mistake of letting him go. This was a tough decision for them to make but since the Bucs never play on MNF they realized that if they didn't take Gruden they would have to listen to his broadcasting incompetency for another year so they did everybody a favor by drafting Gruden. Also they were really excited by Gruden's proposal to bring in the same magic mouth guards that the Saints used last season which obviously helped them win the Super Bowl. The other big change Gruden promises to bring is to run the wild cat or as he likes to call it, the wild buck, a minimum of 50 times a game.

4. Washington Redskins - QB Tim Tebow
It's simple, he is the biggest name out there so obviously Dan Snyder is going to go after him and throw caution to the wind. Tebow in Washington, give him a few years and if it doesn't work out then maybe he can run for president, he's got my vote.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - New England Patriots Offensive Line
With Scott Pioli waisting so much money on Matt Cassell he needs to figure out a way to help him succeed. With both Cassell and Brady being system QB's Pioli will finally realize that the only way for his team to succeed is to get an O-line that won't allow Cassell to get touched. In the second round they are looking at taking the Brady low shot rule and with the third round pick the tuck rule, they are well on their way to becoming the next great dynasty, next year the spygate equipment looks to be high on their list as well.

6. Seattle Seahawks - S Taylor Mays
This pick makes a lot of sense for many reasons, one Mays is a player that Carroll knows and trusts, plus he can play many different positions which will greatly help the Seahawks this year since they have many different needs. Also Carroll is still probably mad at the way that Al Davis treated his little protege in Lane Kiffin and word on the street is that Al Davis is targeting Mays so this way Carroll can get some revenge and get a player he trusts.

7. Cleveland Browns - SF/WR/TE/DE/KR/PR Lebron James
Cleveland just needs a break, with Lebron being so indecisive of where he wants to go in the NBA next year he has decided to take a year off to pursue football and his desire to be more like Mike. Cleveland finally catches a break. Whoever ends up playing QB for the Browns (who knows maybe James will even give it a try) will have some confidence throwing down field knowing that Lebron can out run and out jump anybody. McShay wants the Browns to try Lebron out at QB because of his amazing height so who knows, maybe Lebron is the 2010 NFL MVP.

8. Oakland Raiders - RB Cornell Haynes, Jr. AKA Nelly
Now that Mays is off the board Davis needs somebody with blazing speed. Fortunately for Al Davis he recently watched the longest yard and saw that Earl Meggot was the best and fastest player he has ever seen on TV. Davis did everything he could to track down Meggot and get him out of prison until he found out the character was played by famous rapper Nelly. Davis immediately contacted Nelly and a deal is in the process of being structured. As long as Nelly maintains a 4.3 40 for his career then he will be a Raider for the next 20 years while making 45 mil a year, Al Davis will also be allowed to appear in one rap video a year. Davis is very excited about the addition of Nelly, in his own words he said that Nelly has "the heart of a champion and he wants to be number 1, enough questions, it's err time".

9. Buffalo Bills - QB Jimmy Clausen
Hey look the Bills made a positive move for their franchise. Haha what a joke!

10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tevin Downey
Me likey this pick for da Jags. They have a solid team but for some reason can't sell tickets, enter in Tevin Downey. If you have been fortunate enough to see I Love You, Man then you know that Tevin is a marketing genius with his use of bus bench ads and urinal cakes. Go see the Jags, cheer for Jones-Drew and at half time pee on Downey's face, football doesn't get any better than this.

11. Denver Broncos - New England Patriots Defensive Line
Josh McDaniels has said time and time again that his offense is good enough to win (in other words he thinks his offensive "genius" is suffice), he says this because he understands that the Patriots are a system team and the system is what wins, and cheating but McDaniels is determined to not be like his daddy uhh... I mean former coach. But he knows that he needs something to help him and so he is going to take his da.... old coaches pride and joy in the defensive line. With many of his former players now playing for him it is a straight shot to the top for McDaniels, now all he needs to do is lose the emotion and the sleeves.

12. Miami Dolphins - QB Amante Edwards
The Dolphins can never have too many wild cat options, with Brown being questionable with his latest injury why not draft another dual threat guy in Amante Edwards? He may not be the best passer in the world but he has blinding speed and knows how to run the ball. Also he broke the hearts of Jake Long and Chad Henne when he led one of the biggest upsets of all time when Appalachian State beat Michigan. This could have negative effects for this duo but they are mentally strong and should get through it, but this has a big positive upside for receiver Tedd Gin Jr. out of Ohio State. He has never been that happy in Miami but maybe having the reminder of what happened to the former Wolverines players every day will greatly improve his moral and production. Bold move here by Parcells but it could pay off in the end.

13. San Francisco 49ers - Bruce Willis
Mike Singletary has made it abundantly clear he wants hard nosed, get after the ball, type players with a never say die attitude. That is why Bruce Willis here is the obvious choice, he will not let anything stop him from winning and his sheer toughness will bring so much joy to coach Singletary and added toughness to an already tough defense that you absolutely have to think that the niners will be this season's super bowl favorites. Yippie kai yay...

14. Seattle Seahawks - DT Ndomakung Suh
Seattle has screwed up pretty much every single 1st rd pick this decade, seriously. Last year I think they made the right decision in drafting Aaron Curry but he's still young and developing so you can't make any decisions on that one yet. Carroll is a football god in the making and he figures why not change things up and take somebody good. Suh fits that criteria and Seattle finally makes a positive 1st rd pick.

15. New York Giants - Anthony (Tony) Robbins
New York was probably the most underachieving team last year, they have the pieces they need. What they also have is a lack of motivation. The Giants make the bold move in drafting one of the greatest motivational speakers of all time in Tony Robbins. They had some choices here but when it was made aware that Robbins wrote a book titled "Awaken the Giant Within" it was a done deal. Robbins is the right choice and watch out for the Giants next season.

16. Tennessee Titans - WR Golden Tate
Will the Titans finally get somebody for Vince Young to throw to? Since this whole thing is a joke the odds are looking good.

17. San Francisco 49ers - KR/PR Forrest Gump
The 49ers got their toughness factor in check, now they need somebody to return the ball for them, their only real weakness. Forrest Gump may be the greatest college return man of all time, he doesn't dance around or make fancy spin moves or anything, he just runs and does his job. Even Bruce Willis was impressed "I wish that I could complete my jobs as fast as Forrest, the man is impressive but I still look better bald, bloody and beautiful." You may Bruce but when Al Davis watches from across the bay and sees Forrest run he may accomplish what no other seems to be able to do, not even you, and that's put Davis in his grave.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Hugh Laurie/Dr. House
Mike Tomlin's secret life as an actor was recently discovered, he is none other than Dr. Foreman from HOUSE. Like his fantasy character Tomlin has a driving desire to do things on his own, despite having all the tools and knowledge to win he couldn't do it as a favorite, it is quite obvious he only thrives when pushed as an underdog or by the man he hates so much. Hugh Laurie/House may punish and torture Tomlin/Foreman but he brings the best out of him and acts as a safety net for him. With Dr. House helping to push Tomlin to new heights, and also keeping Troy Polamalu healthy, there is no stopping the Steelers this year.

19. Atlanta Falcons - Wolverine
Atlanta invested a lot in Matt Ryan and he has so far been considered a success but Arthur Blank doesn't want to leave anything up to chance. He said before "we are going to surround Matt Ryan with as many elite weapons as we can possibly get." Wolverine is as elite a weapon as there is, plus he doesn't even want money just beer and cigars for life.

20. Houston Texans - K Mike Vanderjact
Houston was essentially two fg's away from making the playoffs this past season but Kris Brown couldn't get it done down the stretch. Infuriated by the fact that fate still won't let him beat Manning Bob McNair decides to draft the most accurate kicker of all time to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. Vanderjact is not only the most accurate kicker of all time but he is also a former teammate of Mannings which was simply an added bonus. McNair could not be reached for comment as he was out looking for more pins for his Peyton Manning voodoo doll that just doesn't seem to be working yet.

21. Cincinnati Bengals - Forfeited pick
In an effort to keep Ochocinco happy the Bengals have decided to forfeit this pick so that they can take the money they have saved to pay for all of Ochocinco's fines this year. Marvin Lewis went on record to say "Ocho is the key to our teams success so we must keep him happy, with all his new dance training this off season with 'Dancing With The Stars' you know the fines are going to be in abundance. Of course if he is getting fined that means he is scoring touchdowns so we have decided to cover all of his fines this year, go get em Chad." I don't want to excite anybody but Ochocinco may have hinted that after he scores his 37th TD of the season he is going to bust out the Thriller dance, I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it.

22. New England Patriots - the crew from "What Not To Wear"
Everybody, aside from Patriots fans, is sick and tired of seeing Bill Belichick looking like a homeless man on the sidelines, including Tom Brady. I believe that the reason Brady had such a quick recovery is because he got tired of sitting and watching all of the games and having to get a much grander eyeful of the atrocity that is Belichick's wardrobe. Brady was quoted as saying "Bill really needs to change his style, it's affecting my love life with the ladies. The ladies only watch my team because of my amazing, angel like face, it has nothing to do with me being the self declared greatest of all time. Unfortunately Bill's style is making the ladies sick everytime they see him. I think the What Not To Wear crew can do wonders for him and that is why I forced the team to make this pick because if I'm not getting some nobody is happy." Well said Tom, well said.

23. Green Bay Packers - FB Turley
Green Bay's biggest need is to protect Aaron Rodgers, although they did a better job of that at the end of the season they showed their flaws once again in the playoffs. Enter in Turley, he has recently been released from prison and at 7 feet and around 300 pounds of pure muscle Turley will simply stand in the back field and drop kick anybody that tries to touch Rodgers so that they can play ping pong later. Great pick for the Packers, this could be the missing link... uh I mean piece for a Super Bowl ring.

24. Philadelphia Eagles - RB Lawrence Phillips
Andy Reid loves giving convicted felons second chances, he is the Dr. Phil of football (not a bad idea for a tv show actually, or make an Oprah type show with TO and Ochocinco co-hosting). Reid was hoping to draft Turley but he was snagged just before this pick but Reid will happily concede to pick up Phillips. When Lawrence Phillips was first drafted by the Rams in 96 he was a phenomenal talent and Reid is hoping to give him a second chance 14 years later. Phillips has had a long history with the law but all that means is that he can have that big of a turnaround. Many question this pick and Reid didn't even sound to sure when he was asked about it. "Well, Phillips seems remorse for what he has done and we need help in the running game, to be honest when I saw the clock winding down for us to make the pick I kind of panicked and accidently read Lawrence Phillips from my copy of Time Magazine in the special about criminal athletes but I think he is a good fit for our team, I got lucky this time, I'm not real good under pressure.... I need a donut".

25. Baltimore Ravens - Tiger Wood's Mistresses
Baltimore is getting nervous that Ben Roethlisburger's case isn't going to hold up and he is going to walk again. The Ravens don't care about playing fair they care about winning and if Big Ben is allowed to play this season they will have a much tougher schedule. With Wood's mistress's no longer under Wood's obligation they are available to enter the draft and Baltimore is hoping that they can continue to put Roethlishburger in harm and temptations way. With enough female promiscuity out there for Ben the Ravens are hoping that sometime in the near future he is out of football or at least gets traded to the Eagles.

26. Arizona Cardinals - Anti-depressants
The people of Glendale Arizona are just reeling right now, after back to back playoff trips they seem to be ready to take the next step to finally win a Super Bowl, even though if not for a lot of shady refereeing they would have won one by this point. Then all of a sudden Kurt Warner, Antrel Rolle, Karlos Dansby and Anquan Boldin are just gone. Arizona may not need any rain this year with all the tears that are being shed right now. That is why the Cardinals are drafting as many bottles of anti-depressants as they can get their hands on to try and calm down their fans. It may be a very long season for the Cardinal faithful this year and they better make sure they savor those pills.

27. Dallas Cowboys - DT Terrence Cody
Everything is bigger in Texas, it is an old cliche but Jerry Jones has taken it heart with his over sized stadium and jumbo-tron. You don't get much bigger then Terrence Cody and Jerry Jones is just envisioning how large this man will look on his big screen. One reason Jones is going with bigger players is that the fans that sit in the nose bleed sections can't see the players that well so Jones is trying to enlarge his roster and Cody is the first step to doing so. I even heard a rumor that Jones was putting in a McDonald's adjacent to the players locker room and bought some height max for Romo since he heard from the ever reliable Todd McShay that you can't be 6'2" and be a successful QB in this league (maybe if Brees, Favre, Montana, Young and Warner stand on their Super Bowl rings they will be taller than 6'2").

28. San Diego Chargers - A Catapult
San Diego really could use a running back here but they are clearly a pass first team now and they need some insurance to back up Philip Rivers since he is bound to get shot one of these days. San Diego has been very successful with just throwing the ball as high and far as possible and letting their over sized wide receivers go up and make a play on the ball. Drafting a catapult makes a ton of sense, they can get the ball even deeper and farther then they could in the past which is really exciting some of the players like Antonio Gates. "According to every NFL 'expert' out there I am still just a basketball player playing football, despite 4 years of college basketball and 8 years of playing in the NFL so I have decided to embrace that fact. Like Rivers this new catapult can just throw up the ball and I have the rebounding ability and low post position to just go up and grab the damn ball, I'm very excited for this opportunity and look forward to embracing my roll as a better basketball player." We tried to reach Rivers for comment but he was busy with his daily routine of calling Jay Cutler and rubbing it in his face that the Chargers made the playoffs again and that Cutler led the league in interceptions.

29. New York Jets - CB Joe Haden
This pick made some people scratch their heads since the Jets are widely considered to have the best secondary in the league, particularly at the corner back position. When asked about the pick Rex Ryan stated "Look, we play the Patriots twice a year and we may play either them or the Colts in the playoffs, neither team runs the ball and if we want to win we got to shut down their much overrated QB's, how do you do that? load your roster with a ton of elite corner backs. Nobody can throw on us in a pass first league. I'm just a head of the curve." Maybe Ryan should focus on getting a head of his own curves, the guy can certainly afford a dietitian but he is right and his logic if flawless. Plus Ronnie Brown may not be back at full stride this season so they have no reason to focus on stopping the run.

30. Minnesota Vikings - A bottle of Jack Daniels and 1 year supply of Vicodin
Brad Childress seems desperate to have Favre return and why wouldn't he, the guy made him look like a genius in the regular season and then took the entire blame for the post season loss to the Saints. Childress finally went a year without looking completely incompetent and clueless out there, except the dozens of times when they would throw on goal line situations with the biggest freak of nature to play the running back position. Favre is still undecided on what his future is and so the Vikings need to find him some new incentive, how about taking him back to his glory days of MVP's a Super Bowl and his addictions to alcohol and pain killers. Favre seems excited with the pick and we should see him back again next year with a spring in his step and bags under his eyes.

31. Indianapolis Colts - DT Gerald McCoy
Let's face it, the Colts always draft well, they will take the best player available that fits a need and that is McCoy to T. I just can't find it in me to mock a guy like Bill Polian who always does and says the right things, ever GM in the league should strive to be like him.

32. New Orleans Saints - PG Chris Paul
The inspiration of New Orleans used to be Chris Paul and the Hornets, now Drew Brees and the Saints have stolen their thunder with a Super Bowl victory. Chris Paul is feeling pressure with Darren Collison playing so well lately and Paul really misses those big energetic crowds that he has decided to jump sports. The Saints couldn't think of a better scenario, Chris Paul the second biggest icon of the city is now teaming up with Brees for the most inspirational duo of all time. There is absolutely no stopping New Orleans this year. Who Dat? that's right, it's Drew Brees AND Chris Paul

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